A short story
The Propagandist
The Certain Sense he had of himself walking in the rain there was just no sense of that anymore And he Could feel her near him He always Thought and when she was he even then Couldn’t Miss the first bits of Wheeling and Sometimes you’ll find that Repression was not the hardest one to Let Go of And Oh I’ll know that it’s over and So Much of what you’ve Shared. You Were Sitting in that one Chair Somewhere –When You Were Holding Your Face and Someone Came Home to them And No it will never Do … and they Would never make Them The Ones Who Were the Hounds Now the Ones Who hounded us over our Repression and the ones who Made it easy too and I can’t stay on you to find some things out and Then They Will always make their Wish to me The One where everything Stays The Same As Jessica Everything Changes but nothing Seemed to Change With her at One Point I Remembered?
They’ll never ever Hold You And then you kiss me though and Then Some kind of Whisper Oh Look It’s Wheeling and we’re On National Road and Then We just want to be together and Then We Just want the swamp There to have some kind of Degradation for Us And I never said A Word I swear it and I never said A Word and I have come to your place and I have almost starting Crying Myself Now and I’m So glad She was Sitting in the Chair as I looked over and she was holding her Face and You’ll say you want me Just the way That You want me And Then you’ll kiss me and you’ll answer me he said He Said All of those things in his Sleep as he was thinking of her and he was the one person there Who She wanted to be through with and They all came together too And I am the only person Who Makes Them Seem as if they’re never going to Comprehend the life they Live.
Crossing the street now there’s someone sitting down near a Cop and the street Light, I just remembered When it changed to WALK and Everything in my Life was making me so afraid of Going on and don’t tell me that you don’t need my Love and I couldn’t Give it away Though and please tell me that it’s not true and then don’t make me leave you and I can’t leave you He said and I only Would have thoroughly Thought things were complete if you’d left me this is what I get for Leaving you and we’ll always be together now I know that I’m sure of it and I Can Hear a Lot of Talk though about how I will hurt you but I am sure that I won’t hurt you why is everyone So Sure that I will hurt you? Is this what I can only Love You for and here is the time Where there is no Night Left and there is just that simple Screaming Coming Down the Hall it was coming From Jessica’s Room I could hear it all the time and I always heard lights spinning too and kicking out and there may be A Hard time to Be had with some things and there may be a certain person who wants to keep them one way and someone Else Who Wants to Keep them another way, And You’ll never know me in the Land I Know Now—She Just always Sits at the end of the bed and they have this quiet place to Go and Bye the end of the Stoop She was About to get up.. You Crossed a Rainbow Near a Place where She’ll be and you’ll be back with her again and I only waited for that day You’ll always take me bye the Hand And I Only Could make you understand I don’t think that I ever could have made Jessica Understand her Eyes Were Beautiful The Devil was somehow there and We Could share the happiness we closed into And then We could have heard everyone Roar the whole crowd and we’d See our wonderland Underneath… Just Like I Put my face bye the vents in Wheeling and you know that I Only Wait For the day where you take me away to there the Whole day where you take me away to there and what am I supposed to do Once you’ve taken me away to there and the Whole entirety of Me Stains my hands and face and I have really no hope of escaping from there. “I Wish You Would cooperate.” He said to Me … And he hoped I would lay there Still…. And He Only hoped to Harm me and Oh Please Oh Please They’re all broken hearted as they move up the street in Wheeling and they pretend to be someone Who they totally Aren’t as long as they Pretend to BE this Person they’ll never be any hope in their Life and do you know what you did today and I can Only think you made some mistakes, Aside The Road … National Road in Wheeling and The Blue has been taken out of the sky and Then you’re all Saying goodbye to me in Wheeling How Do you expect me to Feel About this Place which is Wheeling and I wish The Sun never shined down on me Again here and I am here up inside some kind of Hell of a Hole in the wall and Maybe the Rain Wouldn’t come down now as hard as it does in Wheeling it always rains hard and maybe I don’t mind and every day is the day That Came before and every day We all Lived and we all Died and We Moved For Miles Around the Small parts of the Town in Wheeling All of the dreams we Dreamt They Seemed to Be Lost, And they Seem to Tell us to not do what we believe in and not be nihilists as We Want to BE and you can only see the sunshine and I wish you’d never left me and I wish you’d only ever stayed with me I heard someone Say I didn’t agree with that Since I Just wanted to go on with my Life and I know there wouldn’t be flowers with Water Coming in and making them Live… Oh God She said As Her Pussy became Hot and her Pussy Ached on The Inside –It Had too In Order to Receive The Cock.
So you’re going to kill The clock You Might as well… kill everything under the sun as well and I can’t have you I can’t Have anything at all and I believe in the sun shining down and I believe in the Cold Winter as well and I can only hope you’ll help me make my way out of a certain kind of pain in Wheeling Obviously the pain which is obviously there and you’re in so much of it .. he said .. he could feel that he was in so much of the pain That Happened all the time there That was the pain that made him the person who he was that Same pain changed his life and kept him down for a long time as well how was he about to change this? If you’re carrying nothing then it shouldn’t weigh You down they said to me?…And you are just carrying not a thing… I wasn’t carrying too much of anything I recall that I clutched another ball and I had bolts shot out of the eyes of hawks and some of these people I guess that they Don’t like us…. They didn’t like me or my father either and I can’t let them beat me I used to think And I Only knew the seconds of the clock and how they were going to Stop and start again He Only heard From her.. a few more times, Just that one Christmas Where They Saw a Mass of men flying out of a window That mass of men or that massive Truck …. Somehow When he awoke near a flight of steps and His Cock was in her Mouth, another time where The Doorhandles were Removed and he used to think that no One has the right to do this to me Who do they think they are to have the right to take away everything which I’m in to And I am the same as you were When you were Burning and no one Thinks there is any way in here and no one Can hear Them now –A Roomful of Steps and no one Listens to that Either and all of the People who Need Cash and who need a break and Another Word says that he needs a Lie and I can only say It’s just one kind of try. The Old Home Now up the lane Near Lansing it’s just something day to day and I wondered if life is worth Living and I can hear myself screaming Sometimes… But that was before I knew there was nothing but pain and I am sure that every Fire is burning and I wondered if life itself Came screaming in.
“Are You Jessica?”
“Yes.” She Replied
She Stood near the chairs and bye the counter and her hair was dyed bright blonde With clearly dark roots and You could see her smile from near the counter She Seemed happy to be here And She asked me something Directly I can remember that as well. Her face was sweeping this time as sweeping as Anyone’s Who’s died then come back to life and knows There are No Direct Ways to Freedom He Only said .. that didn’t .. he “are You Jessica?”
There were some words on a screen now coming along
Goruphaugh
+
Tatsumi
+
Goropah
He Remembered speaking all of them into two microphones which were close together and the two times which he brandished some type of weaponry as well He Only came close to the Wheeling downs as he was carrying two types of Rifles in his hands –HE Just started out angry and even became angrier How did it all come to this how did all of this seem this way… he wondered How does everything Considered Become me left all alone In Wheeling Definitely not the same person on that Bus That night she was standing across from Me Who’s the next person and Who’s the next too And they All Seem Extremely Funny And they All feel Like You’re laughing at them and we’re living for Right Moment Out on the end of my street where I struggled to catch the right bus to get on it And It Turned down A Wrong Street Where there Was Construction as well And At the end of that Street Turned onto the main street Moving downtown now Having to catch another Bus though one that Goes Downtown and one That Took me across The Water too –There Must have been some men who walked bye One without Arms and another man Who was limping and carrying a six pack and The one who was limping looked at me in a strange way and Then There Were some People Screaming out Arguing about something I ignored them and I had a little bit of hesitation in me –Far Away From Calls the next morning Far away from everything. One other voice remembered there was a call back there will never be a call back he recalled the last time I recalled there will be a call back too also And he Only remembered Jessica There Near the bus when the door opened The Snow Cap also The Winter and the snow Falling barely He recalled that as well and he recalled all of them speaking up with two microphones and The Larger of Two Came Closer and Then in Wheeling Definitely and Here They were at the end of my Street and I was there the next morning with me calling and a little bit of hesitation and I was far away from the voice inside of me I was Worth Being the person they thought I was and the fading people all of them He Could remember and the leaves along the street too Crushed Against the sidewalk the pavement in Wheeling and a Voice he Could just Barely Make out Oh I guess it was somewhere else now somewhere else Where you Left something and you thought that it would be different but he knew outside of that drag that he would have to Die He Knew he would have to die outside of there and she whispered Sadly And Held him again in the darkness and the world was coming from an unknown height Now everything had changed she was part of someone else’s life she was no longer inside of him as she’d been before They Were All wrapped around one piece of him that Piece He Must have pretended to himself was some kind of true love if not What about that piece of Confusion that he put inside of himself and how can you draw everything out and the world now Beneath him which was made of Glass and he heard that They All Said Go Away… But he didn’t want them to ignore him he needed them to hear who he was and To Help Him Come Through and some of the people there were ready to through everything Aside and There were So many people Were fucking idiots but that was made clear a long time ago it wasn’t something made clear When he needed it to be And he Only Thought of it As he was angered bye something else Whatever that was must have angered him now it angered him as he recalled Jessica too and he felt as if he’d lost So Much bye the next Time And another Girl Walking down the street who they noticed But they Only Do Things on their Own Terms HE didn’t Feel as if HE Had much left to say to people now A Long time had gone Bye And he Only waited now to have something to say to them. Wasn’t there something To Be said for how long they Stuck around as well and try to change me he said Just try to change me Yes there are some total Disasters too And Yes But Change me they Won’t He Guessed HE Knew that they Wouldn’t Some other people Came up In Their Cars Headlights Came On and Some people flashed symbols of Signs of Life So Many Crowns Wasting away and he only could say I need my old life back but what If there was no one at all and you got to learn to see how Life Takes you from one thing to the next and You only wanted Life to be this way and You wanted it to Come to You here And Yes Only on to Life and you wanted to be there and Some one Held on to me in the darkness and yes there was some kind of true love Which Binds us and wants us to be here is that the one Which Will hold us through the darkness I almost didn’t recognize You I said To her…. She said … She was a Little bit stoned and she thought she’d be late she was stoned coming down to the bus stop coming down The Hill and so Many Of The Words I’d heard in my head before Were Drowned Out of This Maze of Steps Some of you stood on the bottom of them waiting for something good to happen waiting For someone to Come through and Oh We All know who That is believe me We know who that is and we only Were the biggest fucking idiots as we fucked everything up but we tried to keep it all a certain way and I could see the headlights coming On again They were Pointed up to the old house in West Virginia and all the years and he said he felt really badly and he never felt happy and I can never see that you’re going to Change me but are you going to try to change me he wondered yes I am going to try to change you I am just happy though now Far away from it all And far away from the fear that I faced and she said No you’re not happy you just think you are Yes I am I mean it I said I think that I really am happy at this point. All of the lies They told me at this point just seem like they were something Which I dreamt I can’t recall them clearly They were all pointers to hold me back from doing something I really believed in I Guess I can overcome them now or I guess I have unknowingly overcome them They’re still inside me These ways which I feel as if I Failed or Performed inadequately And Yes I Feel Her From up above me at an unknown height from some Distance She’s coming in and she’s wrapped in furs and what she has She’ll never remember to hand over to me I can Remember That We Walked in one place and then we walked into another and then we were all walking around Looking hard As if we were angry for one another Some Part of This Made Us angry for one another and there Were Just holes Coming through the line the wall That you Came Down here Yes I heard that it’s all threats though and I know they’re all empty and I think that it’s all Talk though I always did Yes Oh Then come down here And Free me up from who You think I used to be and I think that they’re walking around Looking hard and as if we were angry there Was just some of the holes that were Still there Inside of the Room ways to enter and ways to be cut off from things as well We’re not sure which of these you choose we never be sure which of these that you choose how will you know anyhow. Oh Then they’ll live the hell out of their lives but not if I have anything to do with it … he said… not if I can stop them from hurting their selves He once said over and over again—now walking past streets as faye Was walking bye too and will always be on top of them and we’ll always have some kind of issues with One Another, The Whole Entire Gymnasium is next to the bedroom window and you can hear everything and you can make sure that no one else hears a sound and you can make sure that some people really do some things which they don’t like with their lives because you know that is so much your business and we’re going to ruin you he always says we’re going to make sure you feel pain what kind of pain will you make sure that I feel as it drops from your hand you’ll understand the drops Which come out of your hand and The best time of the hour where he’s coming down and you knew another old friend of mine that must have been how we met the first time you must have known who they were the time we take and what are we saying to each other and Hey What about the breakdown In Wheeling when it came it came hard and it was difficult a long time ago and there were patterns of broken glass and you are the one who’s going to hurt you. Those are exactly the ones that hurt you and you’re going to fall and have them breakdown and they’re going to fall and let you hurt someone else as well and you will feel them squished in two and then they’ll lose their happiness and can they all have some satisfaction and You see the room though they are not sure and hey come on and Feel them come on Empty and before you fall you’re really going to hurt someone as well and you hide the facts and then you hide the little deal as well and I have to see someone Less and Less Now she’s sitting across from me at the table and she’s holding the glass And smiling and I Can’t believe How beautiful she is … I am amazed bye all of that…. Made me Think of Glass Of three Houses and people jumping through their Windows and All of us having some kind of breakdown And me smiling back at her as well and Then The Time We spent coming through the Edge of Things and maybe then you should think about What was said They Sure feel Pain yes they Do … they sure do hey there’s nothing else here that I can possibly Change for you and there’s no details either and I am not able to change you I am unable to change you—You can’t change me either I don’t think; In all of the dreams which I would have about the staircases she would always be there she would always be calling on me And I would always be coming to her and I would always think of her But another time thrown into a tree near Wheeling near the swirling grass and the breakdown and the depression and the broken glass and some of them are afraid and the satisfaction and the emptiness and the blooming too And he Once Saw her Breasts Form Together Underneath her blouse and she smiled back at him; There’s just water now high up in a jar and I hear them all calling out my name they say it and repeat it over and over and there’s nothing I can do if they’re repeating my name so many times you would think that one of them would at least have to get it right but I am not sure it’s never clear and it never make too much sense either and I am not sure who the first person was who called it and I am sure though that there are some bad things in Wheeling down bye the water and the lights Which never come on During the storms as they’re supposed to They never come on during the storms and we come together there’s nothing to discuss and the patterns with the Colors on her blouse and the day made us feel as if we were all losers and not so many times did we have things as difficult and we’re not going to leave a stranger and I never make too much sense either and I am not sure if I am the first person to say all of this but I can be sure that I am not the least. They all did the same thing but they assumed that they were in the right for doing it and the thing I remember most to be hurtful about Wheeling was of course no one having my back in a bad time in my time of need and in that precious beauty where everything was broken and the first person to call me in but through another town where everything was precious I am not sure that I know what all of that means The sense he had during the storms that was still there and the times How Many Times He wondered also –Just Amber Reed on his back her putting him down explaining to him rather harshly how he’d fucked everything up this time and how he’d made a wrong decision in his life and he could hear things burning through and I could just feel those colors on me and during the time there’s nothing to discuss now Amber Reed Says you did it incorrectly that’s not surprising since she rarely feels that she falls in the wrong and since you’ve surprised us all We’ve all taken a little trip which involves the men and the storms and the tides and The action you let begin again The real things which you remember They’re never coming on and I am not sure in the least what was happening I am just certain that I will never be in wheeling again and I will never hear Amber Reed screaming at me But what if she was and I remember all of that I think because I remember that everyone Took her side but I think they were wrong I think they were all wrong and I think she was wrong as well and I think the pain inside of me dried me to the bones Now He used to feel that same pain as well and he just hoped that he was taking a chance but I guess that it turned out that he wasn’t I was tired of their sarcastic abuse and you know that I could have you For This and plus just the ones who left me in front of the building All of the Ones in Wheeling all of the abusers I wonder what they found out about life and I wonder what they found out about How it all got returned and sooner or later it all has to Fall On Them especially this time and I was the first person to let them fall now I remember them bringing that same fear in here and can we pretend in nothing at all Greenness to one side of me the whole river too and the whole entire way that you’re holding onto that river and no one knows the shape of all of these disasters and the time you have together is just a sin he said and the whole time they spent speeding around and around and moving about he always calls us back in wheeling to see if we’re through with one another and what kind of failure we’ve committed he always tells us that our lives are Short and that pain lives therein wheeling. I don’t feel like I can always break up with the fire and the shorts in wheeling You know what we rented and there’s a real no Show and the One time you fucked everything up and that surprising since of realism do We really need Andy Reed to make us all feel bad he’s really caused us pain he’s really made us all feel pain and the Time of His Life where he’s cutting into us and the person he became just turns on to being this violent person and that person just really hates us and thinks that we’re bad and only wants to cause us pain that other pain around where you were and I know that she remembers it all and I have committed a pain that will always live with you and I can’t believe it no I don’t want to believe it And tipping her hat to me barely just touching me now I feel better though bye just barely being touched I was once made to feel alive and I was once the one you live in this land with how do you really feel about all of this and how much of it makes you into something which you’re not and how do you feel when they all crush down so hard and then just barely they hardly made you see what they thought you did wrong obviously all they can really do is point their fingers at you and theirs no show of hands for today it’s all easy the rope and the edge of the cliff the time where you dangled in the roomful of those once distant miseries the Wheeling miseries the Wheeling cliffs and the Wheeling Fog and the ones who once swore as they had fallen down into something that you’d help them with it and that you’d always be the one to pretend to help people even in Wheeling where there was no Kind of Sense of helping people even through the tall trees. Even the tall trees on the really bad days they all scream of Wheeling through the clear line of what everything else seems to be even based on one understanding where it all comes down to a word and you feel as they all destroyed you it would be one hell of a false thing to have come down on you and there are people who are ahead of you and the sky reminisces of what it says and the sky you could only tell the truth through and the time was out of her eyes and the reminder of the time you had you just feel sorrow and you only feel the real show of hands and the really bad days where you kind of sense a Feeling where you sang along and the time you had before this one well wasn’t that later than it seemed and who are you to curse and know what you didn’t say and what came to make you think how much you feel about anything on the edge of the cliff and I am the one who kind of senses that he’s telling people I always live with people and I can’t believe how much doubt I have and I want to believe the sense of tipping them off and I am the one with just that sense of believing but it’s hard in Wheeling for the sky to fall and for the sun to set and then throwing everyone who was there onto the backburner and in a different sense of throwing them all onto the back burner and then the men come through the trees and I saw the whole roomful of them dangling down their feet were there right in front of me and I could feel it all come down around me they Destroyed me and they all came in with the word and The time you were telling all of the people and the Edge They took off from some real sense of Time and the fragments where you helped fit hope into one kind of nutshell and the Time where you made it all a curse and I am the waiting for the sky about to fall on me I could only see some kind of progress and the shell too and the one who was the happiest and the time where you were understanding and I came to think of how many people I need to believe in The Time where Wheeling was falling and I can’t believe how much Wheeling was calling on me and the backburner and the time in the flame and the Room where it was strange to meet Jessica the first time Or What I thought was the first time yet I had met her so many times before that and if no one is getting along and you can reel the ones in who broke so much along the line and the time where people put the edge in and I could feel them all come down and I could feel them all telling people what they were sick of some kind of sarcasm and some kind of blank stares from across the room I just felt anger and in time I feel more anger towards them I just got unhappy and is there a place where I really was unhappy there are not too many places where I ever really felt happy can you read my mind he said Can you see how unhappy I feel and I can feel the thread of it all coming down on me Here in Wheeling I don’t hide it to Well I Only ever hid from the fact that at one point I knew Jessica and I wondered afterwards what had become of her –it’s wrong you did the wrong thing and you did the wrong thing they told me that over and over but I guess now I don’t care what they think of me they think if I made the wrong decision then that I only saw them do it out of love and I am the room where the anger is held he said I am the room where it is all about to explode one long golden morning and I can feel it shining now making its way back to me and I heard them all say they lived in anger and they all lived in a roomful of pain too and then the stars will never fall and one of them must have come up with the anger Here in the Wind and the time won’t crash down on me and I must have come up and I was here on the way back to explain The golden morning and I can hold myself here and only feel anger and the world afterwards and I knew what had become of us and I know who beholds us and there must be someone who wants to kill us and you must rustle them all up now and you must show them that you’re not going to kill them just show them that you’re going to stay alive even without them and I know the new sky which is shining the earth making everything move up and the earth eating all of us in Wheeling and the whole wide world It was wide and Blinking at the time which you all barely lost in Wheeling and springtime is one time this is another and the light drips and tosses away and the world just comes to a halt afterwards and I knew that I was the one in the wrong and the Images on the heads of drums they were never feathered and you dealt early on with desolation and you came and pulled us all down into the dirt And the world and the Great Grave where I saw Jessica Spring time is one thing and the night time is another thing and you can never be here working on random things and if you are the one who can work on them then who is the one who can let them Go and I can See the world away from me Down The Hill In Wheeling and the people Here Who are So closed minded and who have never Seen anything Else in Life except this misery Which they happily accept They’ll happily accept the misery Which Life has granted them in Wheeling and the Misery of Life here just one part of life but not one part of anything else and how I came so far to get away from it all How I wanted to for everything to be alright just the people who made me miserable they all should have to feel as if they are in hell because I feel like I am after that encounter with them I felt that sometimes Then other times I felt another way as if I Wanted peace through all of that and that I didn’t want anything to be done.
The Certain Sense he had of himself walking in the rain there was just no sense of that anymore And he Could feel her near him He always Thought and when she was he even then Couldn’t Miss the first bits of Wheeling and Sometimes you’ll find that Repression was not the hardest one to Let Go of And Oh I’ll know that it’s over and So Much of what you’ve Shared. You Were Sitting in that one Chair Somewhere –When You Were Holding Your Face and Someone Came Home to them And No it will never Do … and they Would never make Them The Ones Who Were the Hounds Now the Ones Who hounded us over our Repression and the ones who Made it easy too and I can’t stay on you to find some things out and Then They Will always make their Wish to me The One where everything Stays The Same As Jessica Everything Changes but nothing Seemed to Change With her at One Point I Remembered?
They’ll never ever Hold You And then you kiss me though and Then Some kind of Whisper Oh Look It’s Wheeling and we’re On National Road and Then We just want to be together and Then We Just want the swamp There to have some kind of Degradation for Us And I never said A Word I swear it and I never said A Word and I have come to your place and I have almost starting Crying Myself Now and I’m So glad She was Sitting in the Chair as I looked over and she was holding her Face and You’ll say you want me Just the way That You want me And Then you’ll kiss me and you’ll answer me he said He Said All of those things in his Sleep as he was thinking of her and he was the one person there Who She wanted to be through with and They all came together too And I am the only person Who Makes Them Seem as if they’re never going to Comprehend the life they Live.
Crossing the street now there’s someone sitting down near a Cop and the street Light, I just remembered When it changed to WALK and Everything in my Life was making me so afraid of Going on and don’t tell me that you don’t need my Love and I couldn’t Give it away Though and please tell me that it’s not true and then don’t make me leave you and I can’t leave you He said and I only Would have thoroughly Thought things were complete if you’d left me this is what I get for Leaving you and we’ll always be together now I know that I’m sure of it and I Can Hear a Lot of Talk though about how I will hurt you but I am sure that I won’t hurt you why is everyone So Sure that I will hurt you? Is this what I can only Love You for and here is the time Where there is no Night Left and there is just that simple Screaming Coming Down the Hall it was coming From Jessica’s Room I could hear it all the time and I always heard lights spinning too and kicking out and there may be A Hard time to Be had with some things and there may be a certain person who wants to keep them one way and someone Else Who Wants to Keep them another way, And You’ll never know me in the Land I Know Now—She Just always Sits at the end of the bed and they have this quiet place to Go and Bye the end of the Stoop She was About to get up.. You Crossed a Rainbow Near a Place where She’ll be and you’ll be back with her again and I only waited for that day You’ll always take me bye the Hand And I Only Could make you understand I don’t think that I ever could have made Jessica Understand her Eyes Were Beautiful The Devil was somehow there and We Could share the happiness we closed into And then We could have heard everyone Roar the whole crowd and we’d See our wonderland Underneath… Just Like I Put my face bye the vents in Wheeling and you know that I Only Wait For the day where you take me away to there the Whole day where you take me away to there and what am I supposed to do Once you’ve taken me away to there and the Whole entirety of Me Stains my hands and face and I have really no hope of escaping from there. “I Wish You Would cooperate.” He said to Me … And he hoped I would lay there Still…. And He Only hoped to Harm me and Oh Please Oh Please They’re all broken hearted as they move up the street in Wheeling and they pretend to be someone Who they totally Aren’t as long as they Pretend to BE this Person they’ll never be any hope in their Life and do you know what you did today and I can Only think you made some mistakes, Aside The Road … National Road in Wheeling and The Blue has been taken out of the sky and Then you’re all Saying goodbye to me in Wheeling How Do you expect me to Feel About this Place which is Wheeling and I wish The Sun never shined down on me Again here and I am here up inside some kind of Hell of a Hole in the wall and Maybe the Rain Wouldn’t come down now as hard as it does in Wheeling it always rains hard and maybe I don’t mind and every day is the day That Came before and every day We all Lived and we all Died and We Moved For Miles Around the Small parts of the Town in Wheeling All of the dreams we Dreamt They Seemed to Be Lost, And they Seem to Tell us to not do what we believe in and not be nihilists as We Want to BE and you can only see the sunshine and I wish you’d never left me and I wish you’d only ever stayed with me I heard someone Say I didn’t agree with that Since I Just wanted to go on with my Life and I know there wouldn’t be flowers with Water Coming in and making them Live… Oh God She said As Her Pussy became Hot and her Pussy Ached on The Inside –It Had too In Order to Receive The Cock.
So you’re going to kill The clock You Might as well… kill everything under the sun as well and I can’t have you I can’t Have anything at all and I believe in the sun shining down and I believe in the Cold Winter as well and I can only hope you’ll help me make my way out of a certain kind of pain in Wheeling Obviously the pain which is obviously there and you’re in so much of it .. he said .. he could feel that he was in so much of the pain That Happened all the time there That was the pain that made him the person who he was that Same pain changed his life and kept him down for a long time as well how was he about to change this? If you’re carrying nothing then it shouldn’t weigh You down they said to me?…And you are just carrying not a thing… I wasn’t carrying too much of anything I recall that I clutched another ball and I had bolts shot out of the eyes of hawks and some of these people I guess that they Don’t like us…. They didn’t like me or my father either and I can’t let them beat me I used to think And I Only knew the seconds of the clock and how they were going to Stop and start again He Only heard From her.. a few more times, Just that one Christmas Where They Saw a Mass of men flying out of a window That mass of men or that massive Truck …. Somehow When he awoke near a flight of steps and His Cock was in her Mouth, another time where The Doorhandles were Removed and he used to think that no One has the right to do this to me Who do they think they are to have the right to take away everything which I’m in to And I am the same as you were When you were Burning and no one Thinks there is any way in here and no one Can hear Them now –A Roomful of Steps and no one Listens to that Either and all of the People who Need Cash and who need a break and Another Word says that he needs a Lie and I can only say It’s just one kind of try. The Old Home Now up the lane Near Lansing it’s just something day to day and I wondered if life is worth Living and I can hear myself screaming Sometimes… But that was before I knew there was nothing but pain and I am sure that every Fire is burning and I wondered if life itself Came screaming in.
“Are You Jessica?”
“Yes.” She Replied
She Stood near the chairs and bye the counter and her hair was dyed bright blonde With clearly dark roots and You could see her smile from near the counter She Seemed happy to be here And She asked me something Directly I can remember that as well. Her face was sweeping this time as sweeping as Anyone’s Who’s died then come back to life and knows There are No Direct Ways to Freedom He Only said .. that didn’t .. he “are You Jessica?”
There were some words on a screen now coming along
Goruphaugh
+
Tatsumi
+
Goropah
He Remembered speaking all of them into two microphones which were close together and the two times which he brandished some type of weaponry as well He Only came close to the Wheeling downs as he was carrying two types of Rifles in his hands –HE Just started out angry and even became angrier How did it all come to this how did all of this seem this way… he wondered How does everything Considered Become me left all alone In Wheeling Definitely not the same person on that Bus That night she was standing across from Me Who’s the next person and Who’s the next too And they All Seem Extremely Funny And they All feel Like You’re laughing at them and we’re living for Right Moment Out on the end of my street where I struggled to catch the right bus to get on it And It Turned down A Wrong Street Where there Was Construction as well And At the end of that Street Turned onto the main street Moving downtown now Having to catch another Bus though one that Goes Downtown and one That Took me across The Water too –There Must have been some men who walked bye One without Arms and another man Who was limping and carrying a six pack and The one who was limping looked at me in a strange way and Then There Were some People Screaming out Arguing about something I ignored them and I had a little bit of hesitation in me –Far Away From Calls the next morning Far away from everything. One other voice remembered there was a call back there will never be a call back he recalled the last time I recalled there will be a call back too also And he Only remembered Jessica There Near the bus when the door opened The Snow Cap also The Winter and the snow Falling barely He recalled that as well and he recalled all of them speaking up with two microphones and The Larger of Two Came Closer and Then in Wheeling Definitely and Here They were at the end of my Street and I was there the next morning with me calling and a little bit of hesitation and I was far away from the voice inside of me I was Worth Being the person they thought I was and the fading people all of them He Could remember and the leaves along the street too Crushed Against the sidewalk the pavement in Wheeling and a Voice he Could just Barely Make out Oh I guess it was somewhere else now somewhere else Where you Left something and you thought that it would be different but he knew outside of that drag that he would have to Die He Knew he would have to die outside of there and she whispered Sadly And Held him again in the darkness and the world was coming from an unknown height Now everything had changed she was part of someone else’s life she was no longer inside of him as she’d been before They Were All wrapped around one piece of him that Piece He Must have pretended to himself was some kind of true love if not What about that piece of Confusion that he put inside of himself and how can you draw everything out and the world now Beneath him which was made of Glass and he heard that They All Said Go Away… But he didn’t want them to ignore him he needed them to hear who he was and To Help Him Come Through and some of the people there were ready to through everything Aside and There were So many people Were fucking idiots but that was made clear a long time ago it wasn’t something made clear When he needed it to be And he Only Thought of it As he was angered bye something else Whatever that was must have angered him now it angered him as he recalled Jessica too and he felt as if he’d lost So Much bye the next Time And another Girl Walking down the street who they noticed But they Only Do Things on their Own Terms HE didn’t Feel as if HE Had much left to say to people now A Long time had gone Bye And he Only waited now to have something to say to them. Wasn’t there something To Be said for how long they Stuck around as well and try to change me he said Just try to change me Yes there are some total Disasters too And Yes But Change me they Won’t He Guessed HE Knew that they Wouldn’t Some other people Came up In Their Cars Headlights Came On and Some people flashed symbols of Signs of Life So Many Crowns Wasting away and he only could say I need my old life back but what If there was no one at all and you got to learn to see how Life Takes you from one thing to the next and You only wanted Life to be this way and You wanted it to Come to You here And Yes Only on to Life and you wanted to be there and Some one Held on to me in the darkness and yes there was some kind of true love Which Binds us and wants us to be here is that the one Which Will hold us through the darkness I almost didn’t recognize You I said To her…. She said … She was a Little bit stoned and she thought she’d be late she was stoned coming down to the bus stop coming down The Hill and so Many Of The Words I’d heard in my head before Were Drowned Out of This Maze of Steps Some of you stood on the bottom of them waiting for something good to happen waiting For someone to Come through and Oh We All know who That is believe me We know who that is and we only Were the biggest fucking idiots as we fucked everything up but we tried to keep it all a certain way and I could see the headlights coming On again They were Pointed up to the old house in West Virginia and all the years and he said he felt really badly and he never felt happy and I can never see that you’re going to Change me but are you going to try to change me he wondered yes I am going to try to change you I am just happy though now Far away from it all And far away from the fear that I faced and she said No you’re not happy you just think you are Yes I am I mean it I said I think that I really am happy at this point. All of the lies They told me at this point just seem like they were something Which I dreamt I can’t recall them clearly They were all pointers to hold me back from doing something I really believed in I Guess I can overcome them now or I guess I have unknowingly overcome them They’re still inside me These ways which I feel as if I Failed or Performed inadequately And Yes I Feel Her From up above me at an unknown height from some Distance She’s coming in and she’s wrapped in furs and what she has She’ll never remember to hand over to me I can Remember That We Walked in one place and then we walked into another and then we were all walking around Looking hard As if we were angry for one another Some Part of This Made Us angry for one another and there Were Just holes Coming through the line the wall That you Came Down here Yes I heard that it’s all threats though and I know they’re all empty and I think that it’s all Talk though I always did Yes Oh Then come down here And Free me up from who You think I used to be and I think that they’re walking around Looking hard and as if we were angry there Was just some of the holes that were Still there Inside of the Room ways to enter and ways to be cut off from things as well We’re not sure which of these you choose we never be sure which of these that you choose how will you know anyhow. Oh Then they’ll live the hell out of their lives but not if I have anything to do with it … he said… not if I can stop them from hurting their selves He once said over and over again—now walking past streets as faye Was walking bye too and will always be on top of them and we’ll always have some kind of issues with One Another, The Whole Entire Gymnasium is next to the bedroom window and you can hear everything and you can make sure that no one else hears a sound and you can make sure that some people really do some things which they don’t like with their lives because you know that is so much your business and we’re going to ruin you he always says we’re going to make sure you feel pain what kind of pain will you make sure that I feel as it drops from your hand you’ll understand the drops Which come out of your hand and The best time of the hour where he’s coming down and you knew another old friend of mine that must have been how we met the first time you must have known who they were the time we take and what are we saying to each other and Hey What about the breakdown In Wheeling when it came it came hard and it was difficult a long time ago and there were patterns of broken glass and you are the one who’s going to hurt you. Those are exactly the ones that hurt you and you’re going to fall and have them breakdown and they’re going to fall and let you hurt someone else as well and you will feel them squished in two and then they’ll lose their happiness and can they all have some satisfaction and You see the room though they are not sure and hey come on and Feel them come on Empty and before you fall you’re really going to hurt someone as well and you hide the facts and then you hide the little deal as well and I have to see someone Less and Less Now she’s sitting across from me at the table and she’s holding the glass And smiling and I Can’t believe How beautiful she is … I am amazed bye all of that…. Made me Think of Glass Of three Houses and people jumping through their Windows and All of us having some kind of breakdown And me smiling back at her as well and Then The Time We spent coming through the Edge of Things and maybe then you should think about What was said They Sure feel Pain yes they Do … they sure do hey there’s nothing else here that I can possibly Change for you and there’s no details either and I am not able to change you I am unable to change you—You can’t change me either I don’t think; In all of the dreams which I would have about the staircases she would always be there she would always be calling on me And I would always be coming to her and I would always think of her But another time thrown into a tree near Wheeling near the swirling grass and the breakdown and the depression and the broken glass and some of them are afraid and the satisfaction and the emptiness and the blooming too And he Once Saw her Breasts Form Together Underneath her blouse and she smiled back at him; There’s just water now high up in a jar and I hear them all calling out my name they say it and repeat it over and over and there’s nothing I can do if they’re repeating my name so many times you would think that one of them would at least have to get it right but I am not sure it’s never clear and it never make too much sense either and I am not sure who the first person was who called it and I am sure though that there are some bad things in Wheeling down bye the water and the lights Which never come on During the storms as they’re supposed to They never come on during the storms and we come together there’s nothing to discuss and the patterns with the Colors on her blouse and the day made us feel as if we were all losers and not so many times did we have things as difficult and we’re not going to leave a stranger and I never make too much sense either and I am not sure if I am the first person to say all of this but I can be sure that I am not the least. They all did the same thing but they assumed that they were in the right for doing it and the thing I remember most to be hurtful about Wheeling was of course no one having my back in a bad time in my time of need and in that precious beauty where everything was broken and the first person to call me in but through another town where everything was precious I am not sure that I know what all of that means The sense he had during the storms that was still there and the times How Many Times He wondered also –Just Amber Reed on his back her putting him down explaining to him rather harshly how he’d fucked everything up this time and how he’d made a wrong decision in his life and he could hear things burning through and I could just feel those colors on me and during the time there’s nothing to discuss now Amber Reed Says you did it incorrectly that’s not surprising since she rarely feels that she falls in the wrong and since you’ve surprised us all We’ve all taken a little trip which involves the men and the storms and the tides and The action you let begin again The real things which you remember They’re never coming on and I am not sure in the least what was happening I am just certain that I will never be in wheeling again and I will never hear Amber Reed screaming at me But what if she was and I remember all of that I think because I remember that everyone Took her side but I think they were wrong I think they were all wrong and I think she was wrong as well and I think the pain inside of me dried me to the bones Now He used to feel that same pain as well and he just hoped that he was taking a chance but I guess that it turned out that he wasn’t I was tired of their sarcastic abuse and you know that I could have you For This and plus just the ones who left me in front of the building All of the Ones in Wheeling all of the abusers I wonder what they found out about life and I wonder what they found out about How it all got returned and sooner or later it all has to Fall On Them especially this time and I was the first person to let them fall now I remember them bringing that same fear in here and can we pretend in nothing at all Greenness to one side of me the whole river too and the whole entire way that you’re holding onto that river and no one knows the shape of all of these disasters and the time you have together is just a sin he said and the whole time they spent speeding around and around and moving about he always calls us back in wheeling to see if we’re through with one another and what kind of failure we’ve committed he always tells us that our lives are Short and that pain lives therein wheeling. I don’t feel like I can always break up with the fire and the shorts in wheeling You know what we rented and there’s a real no Show and the One time you fucked everything up and that surprising since of realism do We really need Andy Reed to make us all feel bad he’s really caused us pain he’s really made us all feel pain and the Time of His Life where he’s cutting into us and the person he became just turns on to being this violent person and that person just really hates us and thinks that we’re bad and only wants to cause us pain that other pain around where you were and I know that she remembers it all and I have committed a pain that will always live with you and I can’t believe it no I don’t want to believe it And tipping her hat to me barely just touching me now I feel better though bye just barely being touched I was once made to feel alive and I was once the one you live in this land with how do you really feel about all of this and how much of it makes you into something which you’re not and how do you feel when they all crush down so hard and then just barely they hardly made you see what they thought you did wrong obviously all they can really do is point their fingers at you and theirs no show of hands for today it’s all easy the rope and the edge of the cliff the time where you dangled in the roomful of those once distant miseries the Wheeling miseries the Wheeling cliffs and the Wheeling Fog and the ones who once swore as they had fallen down into something that you’d help them with it and that you’d always be the one to pretend to help people even in Wheeling where there was no Kind of Sense of helping people even through the tall trees. Even the tall trees on the really bad days they all scream of Wheeling through the clear line of what everything else seems to be even based on one understanding where it all comes down to a word and you feel as they all destroyed you it would be one hell of a false thing to have come down on you and there are people who are ahead of you and the sky reminisces of what it says and the sky you could only tell the truth through and the time was out of her eyes and the reminder of the time you had you just feel sorrow and you only feel the real show of hands and the really bad days where you kind of sense a Feeling where you sang along and the time you had before this one well wasn’t that later than it seemed and who are you to curse and know what you didn’t say and what came to make you think how much you feel about anything on the edge of the cliff and I am the one who kind of senses that he’s telling people I always live with people and I can’t believe how much doubt I have and I want to believe the sense of tipping them off and I am the one with just that sense of believing but it’s hard in Wheeling for the sky to fall and for the sun to set and then throwing everyone who was there onto the backburner and in a different sense of throwing them all onto the back burner and then the men come through the trees and I saw the whole roomful of them dangling down their feet were there right in front of me and I could feel it all come down around me they Destroyed me and they all came in with the word and The time you were telling all of the people and the Edge They took off from some real sense of Time and the fragments where you helped fit hope into one kind of nutshell and the Time where you made it all a curse and I am the waiting for the sky about to fall on me I could only see some kind of progress and the shell too and the one who was the happiest and the time where you were understanding and I came to think of how many people I need to believe in The Time where Wheeling was falling and I can’t believe how much Wheeling was calling on me and the backburner and the time in the flame and the Room where it was strange to meet Jessica the first time Or What I thought was the first time yet I had met her so many times before that and if no one is getting along and you can reel the ones in who broke so much along the line and the time where people put the edge in and I could feel them all come down and I could feel them all telling people what they were sick of some kind of sarcasm and some kind of blank stares from across the room I just felt anger and in time I feel more anger towards them I just got unhappy and is there a place where I really was unhappy there are not too many places where I ever really felt happy can you read my mind he said Can you see how unhappy I feel and I can feel the thread of it all coming down on me Here in Wheeling I don’t hide it to Well I Only ever hid from the fact that at one point I knew Jessica and I wondered afterwards what had become of her –it’s wrong you did the wrong thing and you did the wrong thing they told me that over and over but I guess now I don’t care what they think of me they think if I made the wrong decision then that I only saw them do it out of love and I am the room where the anger is held he said I am the room where it is all about to explode one long golden morning and I can feel it shining now making its way back to me and I heard them all say they lived in anger and they all lived in a roomful of pain too and then the stars will never fall and one of them must have come up with the anger Here in the Wind and the time won’t crash down on me and I must have come up and I was here on the way back to explain The golden morning and I can hold myself here and only feel anger and the world afterwards and I knew what had become of us and I know who beholds us and there must be someone who wants to kill us and you must rustle them all up now and you must show them that you’re not going to kill them just show them that you’re going to stay alive even without them and I know the new sky which is shining the earth making everything move up and the earth eating all of us in Wheeling and the whole wide world It was wide and Blinking at the time which you all barely lost in Wheeling and springtime is one time this is another and the light drips and tosses away and the world just comes to a halt afterwards and I knew that I was the one in the wrong and the Images on the heads of drums they were never feathered and you dealt early on with desolation and you came and pulled us all down into the dirt And the world and the Great Grave where I saw Jessica Spring time is one thing and the night time is another thing and you can never be here working on random things and if you are the one who can work on them then who is the one who can let them Go and I can See the world away from me Down The Hill In Wheeling and the people Here Who are So closed minded and who have never Seen anything Else in Life except this misery Which they happily accept They’ll happily accept the misery Which Life has granted them in Wheeling and the Misery of Life here just one part of life but not one part of anything else and how I came so far to get away from it all How I wanted to for everything to be alright just the people who made me miserable they all should have to feel as if they are in hell because I feel like I am after that encounter with them I felt that sometimes Then other times I felt another way as if I Wanted peace through all of that and that I didn’t want anything to be done.
posted by Che Elias at 9:28 AM
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